Be in the Flow – Follow Your Path!

Posts tagged ‘Goal’

Summer Fun Times – and a Time to Reflect

Summer Fun Times – and a Time to Reflect

Do you have special plans this summer? What are they?
It’s the season of vacations, travel, letting your hair down, fun with the kids, lazy days at the beach, or rollercoaster rides. It is a time to recharge your personal batteries, a time to reflect, and a time to do the things you’ve put off all year or even for a lifetime. It’s also a time for celebrations: Independence Day, families and friends getting together, picnics.

What does your style of fun say about you?

At the end of fun times, how do you feel? Satisfied or relieved; content or upset, or ….

Or are you working hard and believe that fun just doesn’t belong on your calendar?

If you are willing, share your thoughts, privately to me, with a friend, or publicly comment on my blog.

Story: Round Trip: Chicago to California

2 boys racing down a sand dune

2 boys racing down a sand dune

When my kids were young, we took a five-week car trip from Chicago to California and back. Five weeks of togetherness in a VW Weekender: van by day, camper by night. All throughout we listened to great books on tape, learning “How to Eat fried Worms” and other great stories. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Eat_Fried_Worms It was a trip of much fun, contentment, exploration and learning, with the destination of visiting relatives at our half way mark. Along the way we saw dinosaur bones, petrified forests, wildflowers blooming in the desert, some of the biggest trees in the world: the sequoia trees. We also had many less memorable moments of good times, stopping at parks, eating ice cream by sucking it out of the bottom of the cone and managing Chinese food with chopsticks. Then there were the large dunes, where my son “ate dirt”. He and his brother climbed a big sand dune and then ran down as fast as possible, eventually crashing and rolling down. When he reached the bottom he was laughing hard and he had sand everywhere: from his eyelashes and between his teeth to between his toes. Great memories!

Call to Action and Why This Matters:

We make plans and then life happens. Or we don’t make plans. A five-week trip with three young children in a minivan takes some planning. The memories will always warm my heart. Life doesn’t always go the way we want and undoubtedly there will be disappointments and plans and goals that don’t come to fruition. On the other hand, the things we plan and that come together for us, those are the ones that make life worthwhile.

So —- I encourage you to make some plans: big ones and little ones. Reconnect with a friend; spend some time with your kids or grandkids if you have them; enjoy reading a great books in a favorite location; plan a trip or an adventure; make a list of 20 things you enjoy doing that are free. Examples are: go for a walk in a beautiful park or neighborhood. Find out if a nearby museum has a day when admission is free. Go see the 4th of July fireworks. Talk to a friend. If there is a river or lake nearby, go fishing or just enjoy the calming influence of the water. Go to your public library and check out some great books, audiotapes, and movies. Watch the movies with friends. Have a picnic in a park or spread a blanket on the floor and have a picnic in the comfort of your own home. Above all: have fun and create happy memories. Pick a bunch of yellow dandelions and have the bright color liven up your room. Take a photo to remind you later.

What free things do you enjoy doing? Let’s use the comments to create a BIG list of ideas for free summer fun.

Taking it Farther:

Make a list of free or inexpensive things you like doing and that you can sprinkle into your days. It’ll brighten up your days to know you have fun things planned. Make time (1/2 hour or more) to do them several days per week.

Plan something bigger: a vacation, a trip, a cottage by the beach or in the mountains, a skill you’ve always wanted to learn, something that is meaningful and heart warming to you. Something you’ve always wanted to do. On a regular basis set aside some time to research it, plan it, and take action towards it, including how to set aside some money monthly to build the fund to do it.

I have heard it said, that there are no impossible goals, only impossible timeframes.

Above all: have some goals, live life, be happy, and have fun!

Contact me:

If this was helpful and you want more, I’m here for you. Call to schedule coaching and start moving towards having the life you choose. Call Edith at 847.913.3900.

You Have a Graduate. Congratulations! —- Now What?

You Have a Graduate. Congratulations! —- Now What?

Are you the parent, relative or friend of someone who is graduating? Or may be you are finally getting that long coveted degree? Now what?

What are the options and how viable are they for you or that someone you care about? Do you have helpful ideas or inspiring experiences you would like to share? Share them by leaving a comment. Or feel free to send them to me with the subject line “Graduate”.

Here is a short list of ideas of what to do next:
• Do nothing
• Get more education
• If you already have a job, ask for a raise
• Get a job or a better job
• Go into the armed services
• Become a consultant
• Be unemployed
• Depend on someone else to support you
• Do a gap year: volunteer or see the world
• Volunteer
• Get an Internship
• Start a business

The bottom line is that you have been learning to do something. Hopefully it has prepared you for something you want to do. Now you need to shift gears from being a learner to someone who applies all that knowledge and skill to help others. And get paid for it.

There used to be a couple simple steps to making that transition.

• In the olden days, you became an apprentice.
• In the more modern era of educational choices, you got an education, created a resume, and got a job.
• A small number of people start companies.
• An even smaller number of people start companies that become successful.

In today’s job seeker climate of higher unemployment and job uncertainty, and with all the available technology, starting a small, home-based business is becoming a more tempting alternative.

Story: Drop out of college, get $100,000

“Peter Thiel, the PayPal co-founder and one of the first investors in Facebook, is proposing a controversial path toward more rapid innovation. His Thiel Foundation announced that it was giving 24 people under 20 $100,000 fellowships to drop out of school for two years to start their own companies.” Read more here: http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/05/25/136646918/paypal-co-founder-hands-out-100-000-fellowships-to-not-go-to-college

This is an interesting debate. I think that a college degree has long been seen as the ticket to a better life. Getting a degree from the “right” school has been viewed as the ticket into the elite clubs. Was it true? Is it true now? What do you think?

I have read that education was invented to create a “conveyor belt” approach to creating qualified people to work in the factories of the industrial revolution. Kids were filled up with knowledge they would need to know to fill a job in a factory. In the process these young people were also sorted to find the obedient ones who willingly sat through whatever information they were taught and would make excellent candidates for the mindless repetitive work of a conveyor belt or assembly line. But that was a long time ago. Education has morphed. Or has it?

Education for the most part treats learners as empty vessels to be filled up with information. At the other end of the spectrum are the homeschooling stars that have been given the freedom to discover their passion early in life and were encouraged to pursue it. They love learning and are more likely to become lifelong learners. People like homeschooling superstar Evan O’Dorney, the 2011 winner of the prestigious “Intel Science Talent Search” $100,000 award. http://www.societyforscience.org/STS and http://blog.drwile.com/?p=5140

Call to Action and Why This Matters:

My feeling is that in education we have it backwards. Instead of learning first and then figuring out what to do with it, we need to start with the end in mind.

Spending a large sum of money to go to college with the hopes of figuring it out later, could become a burdensome financial obligation with uncertain outcomes and potentially a decade long debt to repay. Trying to figure out where the jobs are going to be when you graduate, or betting on “safe careers” or respectable careers like doctor or lawyer or scientist aren’t necessarily going to work either.

Think of all the computer people who thought theirs was a safe well-paying job, who have had their jobs outsourced to India and other countries. Now they have job skills that are fading fast, on top of that may be they never liked the work in the first place. Ouch.

Let’s use the analogy of the car GPS. If you don’t know where you are going, chances are slim that you will get to your destination. If, on the other hand, your car has a GPS and you put in your desired destination, then the car’s guidance system will help you get there. I think education should be approached in the same way. Figure out where you want to go in your career, then figure out the best educational options to get you there. Here is what I suggest.

Prioritize your goals.
1. If you need to pay your bills so you can eat, by all means look for a job now. Get educated on what it takes to find a job in today’s job market. There are many resources: the library, internet searches, Job ministries at your local church or synagogue, job circles and educational programs at community colleges, the unemployment office. Lots of people are there who want to help you succeed.
2. If you have time, get clear on what you love to do, your interests and strengths. Who are you and what makes you tick? Connect with people who do what you might want to do. Volunteer, do an internship, or get a job in a field where you can observe people who do what you might want to do. Do some informational interviewing to find out what those people love and hate about their work. Get educated about the field you want to work in. Nowadays, whether you are looking for a job or building a business, people want to work with people who are good at what they do AND who love doing what they do.
3. Have a clear vision of where you want to go. Every road has construction zones and detours. Every job has its tedious and unpleasant sides. If you don’t have a compelling vision of where you are going and why you are going there, you’re more likely to get derailed or give up.

Taking it Farther:

If you are like most people, you have been taught to sit still, be obedient, turn in your homework on time, and get either stickers and smiley faces for good behavior or the dreaded red marker all over your papers to let you know that you are not measuring up. Somebody else decided if you are good enough or not.

Isn’t it time to decide for yourself that you are good enough and exactly what you are good at? I believe that every one of us has the potential to make a valuable contribution. What might yours be?

Contact me:

If this was helpful and you want more, I’m here for you. Call to schedule coaching and start living the life you choose. Call Edith at 847.913.3900. You can also reach me at Edith@esCoach.com.

The Origins of Comfort Eating and what to do about it

The Origins of Comfort Eating and what to do about it.

Often our emotional state is reflected in our eating behaviors. It feels like there is an umbilical cord between how we feel and how we eat. It doesn’t have to be that way. We can learn to sever the umbilical cord between our emotions and what we put into our mouths.

Reaching for food when life is hard is something many of us are familiar with. We were trained to do that.

I see it all the time. A baby is cranky or just noisy (at the store, in a house of worship, at a family gathering, at the doctor’s office, …).  Next, the baby is offered something to put into its mouth: a pacifier or a bottle. An older child gets a piece of candy at the bank, the doctor’s office or for good behavior. The opposite is also true: the bribe or withholding trick: if you’re good you’ll get ice cream. Or “no dessert for you, you’ve been bad”. Is it any wonder that when we finally get control over our own food supply, we do what feels emotionally supportive, rather than what we know is healthy for us?

Here are some examples for how it can play out in our lives now.

1. A couple of years ago I reconnected with someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. I know her to be health conscious and fit. As her husband was battling cancer, she gained a lot of weight. She said she was comfort eating. She couldn’t help it.

2. Some years ago I was shocked at my response when my life coach asked me what my definition of SUCCESS was. When I looked deeply inside me, the surprising answer I found was “being able to buy and eat any food I want”.  That was the beginning of a profound shift in my relationship with food.

Surprisingly, we don’t just run away from “bad” feelings. We run away from “good” feelings as well. Following is an example.

Story: Anxious about being excited

Recently while at the roller-skating rink I had the chance to observe a family waiting in line. It appeared to me that the mother of three young girls was very uncomfortable with her daughters being excited about going skating. She tried to squash any sign of happiness and excitement with threats like “if you don’t stand still, we’ll just go home” and “you’ll just have to sit in the car while we skate” and “you’re spoiling it for everybody”. Later I saw them again in the snack bar. It hadn’t stopped. “Sit still” and “NO! You can’t have a pretzel”, sounded more like a drill sergeant rebuking a new recruit than a rational conversation.

So, what are these three young girls learning about being excited and having fun? Probably the same thing their mother learned when she was young: “it’s not safe to be excited” and “things calm down when everybody is eating”.  So, don’t be surprised if you are stress eating when you are happy or excited.

Call to Action and Why This Matters:

I don’t need to tell you the benefits of a healthy body. I don’t need to tell you about just having more willpower. I don’t need to tell you about one more diet to try, or one more trick to keep you from food you desperately want to eat. If you and food have an adversarial relationship – you have probably tried them all.

Are you ready to change all that? Ready to start to de-link your connection between emotions and food? Like any habit, even those you have had for a long time, reaching for comforting food can be replaced with other behavior.

Start with awareness: how and when do you self soothe with food?

  • Do you lose your appetite?
  • Do you eat for comfort?
  • Do you tend to go for sweet or salty comfort food?
  • Do you eat until you go numb or the discomfort from overeating is greater than the uncomfortable feelings you had before?
  • When your life feels out of control, do you engage in “control over food behavior” such as anorexia or bulimia?

Take a moment and reflect on today or yesterday while it is fresh in your mind. Did you eat something you wish you hadn’t? How were you feeling afterwards? Did you feel stuffed, disgusted, muted, satisfied, numbed, nauseous, calm? OK. What emotions were you feeling before you started to eat, emotions you were covering up that might have been too uncomfortable to feel? What were you running away from, and running to food to help divert you?

Keep a small notebook of situations and emotions that bring you running to food. Then pick one of them that you think you can shift into a new habit that doesn’t involve food. Don’t try to change chocolate cake to carrot sticks. Remember you still need to be comforted. What are things that are comforting to you? A warm bath? A friendly chat with a trusted friend? Sitting on a sunny bench at a nearby park? Some physical activity, like yoga? Listening to some soothing music? Make a list. Find one or more activities that you will substitute for one specific emotional pattern. Plan ahead what you will do the next time that trigger situation occurs. Congratulate yourself every time you succeed and be gentle with yourself if you slip into old patterns. Just recommit to do better next time. I recommend that you go easy on yourself. Focus on changing one pattern every 3 months.

Taking it Farther:

Start to notice why you respond to certain situations as you do. I’ve heard that 10% is what happens to you and 90% is how you respond to what happens. If a situation is not stressful to you, you won’t need comforting. But that is a topic for another article.

Contact me:

If this was helpful and you want more, I’m here for you.  Call to schedule coaching and start living the life you choose. Call Edith at 847.913.3900.

Forgiveness – Freeing and Comforting

Forgiveness – Freeing and Comforting

I’ve heard a lot about the importance of forgiveness. You probably have too. But what I heard this past week about a benefit of forgiveness, I had never heard before. And it might change – well – everything.

Story: The effect of forgiving your bullies

A friend shared with me his experience of breaking through and being able to forgive some bullies who had given him a very hard time in middle school. He said he found the experience of forgiving them freeing and comforting. I said I could understand the freeing part, but could he tell me more about how it was comforting to him.

To me his insight was nothing short of remarkable. He said that after being able to truly forgive the cruelties he had endured, he felt that life has opened up to him in a whole new way. If he could forgive that, something he thought he might never be able to forgive, then what else could he do that he thought he couldn’t do. — This one experience may make a huge difference on how he lives the rest of his life and what he believes is possible for him.

Call to Action and Why This Matters:

Think of every grudge and negativity you hold onto, every injury you haven’t been able to get over, every injustice you have endured, and situations that make you angry or exhausted – as pebbles in your backpack. And that backpack is on your back all the time. —- How fast can you run? How fast can you move forward? How agile are you? How well do you sleep at night? How quickly can you adjust to changes in your life’s direction – all while carrying that heavy backpack?

Isn’t it time to lighten your load – at least a little?

1. Free yourself from some of the pebbles in your backpack. There are probably some easy ones you can do on your own – starting now. Here is one suggestion on how to get started.

  • Choose a time and place where you can be uninterrupted and at peace: a beautiful setting in nature or a quiet nook in your home, or ….
  • If you like, add some pleasing and calming music.
  • Sit down with a pad of paper or just your thoughts. Imagine putting down the backpack next to you and opening it up.
  • Pick out a small pebble and examine it. Feel it and experience what old hurt it might represent. Writing may help this process.
  • Decide whether to hang onto it or to let it go.
  • If you decide that you are done with that old hurt, drop the pebble or throw it far away.
  • If you decide you are not done with it, that you might still need it to keep distance between you and the other person whom it involves, then put it back in your backpack. You can always take it out again later.
  • Look for other pebbles that you might be done with.
  • Rest and be grateful for your accomplishments. Every pebble you remove is one less you have to carry – for the rest of your life.
  • Each time you let go of a pebble, you strengthen your forgiveness muscle. It’ll allow you to do bigger pebbles and rocks over time. My friend had been working on his forgiveness muscle for a long time before he was able to let go and forgive those bullies, and he didn’t do it alone. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

2. Know that there is also another backpack of pebbles that you carry. It contains all the pebbles of the times when you have been hurtful to others. The process of acknowledging your wrongdoing and forgiving yourself is similar. In addition you may need to make amends, ask for forgiveness, and find a better way to interact with that person if they are still in your life. You may need to set boundaries. Whether or not the other person forgives you does not matter. All you can do is your part. They have to deal with their own backpacks.

3. Find comfort in your growth and your ability to do things – things, which you couldn’t do before. Know that each time you do something you couldn’t do before, it may carry over into other aspects of your life. Now other things may become easier as well. Think of it as training to lead the full life of your dreams.

Taking it Farther:

In my experience you will get to a point where the pebbles and rocks are just too big to handle without the expertise and tools of a trained person: a coach, a therapist, a counselor, an energy healer. I regularly work with people who help me empty my backpack. Whatever modalities you choose, find those that work for the problem you are trying to heal. Sometimes a combination works best. A hammer works best with a nail, a saw solves a different problem, but you cannot build a house with only one tool. – Now, forward this to your friends.

If you feel ready, share this tip with the people in your life with whom you are ready to throw away the pebbles between you.

Contact me:

Want help? I’m here for you. Tired of struggling? Get relief! Get coached to help you get unstuck and take your life to the next level – starting now! Ready to get started? Call Edith at 847.913.3900

Fear – Gratitude for your Fears?

Fear – Gratitude for your Fears?

How do you deal with fear?

Today’s Theme: Fear

You are afraid. Feel it.
What are you afraid of? How does that protect you? How does it get in your way? Does it stop you from acting? Do you have any phobias? Are there thoughts that keep you paralyzed, tasks or people you avoid at all cost? Things you get angry about?

The book “The Gift of Fear” was very enlightening to me. I started to see fear from a new perspective. In one example they had interviewed rape and abduction survivors. Pretty universally, the women had a “creepy feeling” about that “nice stranger” who helped them with carrying their groceries and insisted on bringing them into the apartment or car, …. But they ignored that feeling. And they got hurt – life-alteringly.

So – first of all – fear is your friend.

Story – Sink or Swim

My sincere thanks to Fran for suggesting that I share her story.

My very dear friend Fran is a swimmer! Now! She just said it the other day. I think it’s the first time I’ve heard her say that. She was elated when she said it. And I am elated for her.

See – for the first 1/2 century of her life Fran had wanted to learn to swim. She took lessons. She made sure her kids had lessons and learned to swim. She, on the other hand, became more and more frustrated and afraid of the water. When they taught her to float, she would sink. She also has curvature of the spine and it affects how she feels her legs and how they respond differently from what she thinks she feels. She was right to fear the water. It was not a safe environment for her. There was a lot to overcome.

For probably the first ten years of our friendship I didn’t even know that Fran wanted to learn to swim. Then one day we talked about my daughter and I being featured on the NBC Weekend Today Show for the 35th anniversary of Title IX: mother and daughter – swimmer and diver, both on university teams. I shared with Fran how I taught my kids to swim very early. My youngest could already swim under water when he was still using a pacifier. When I’ve taught swimming, I’ve always gravitated to the most difficult and fearful students. —- So we, Fran and I, hatched a plan.

And the rest is history. Today, and for the rest of her life, Fran is a swimmer! She loves to swim!

Call to Action and Why This Matters

Do you have a deep desire? Is fear stopping you from attaining something you truly want? May be, like Fran, you have tried and tried, and failed and failed, and almost given up? Don’t give up. Keep looking for the right kind of help. You can do it!

For Fran swimming is now her favorite exercise. It doesn’t feel like a workout. It feels like play and she loves it. Here is how she got there:

1. Get help you trust: She needed an expert whom she trusted. Someone who cared and had only her best interest at heart. She was frustrated with her lack of progress once we started her lessons. But I knew she was on the right path and let her know that.
2. Feel Safe: She progressed very slowly at first to make her feel safe in the water: using float belts, going only in as deep as she felt she could risk it, clinging to the wall. I was standing right beside her all the time. There was no judgment, only encouragement.
3. Get Curious: Start playing, get curious, moving and feeling the resistance of the water, how it affected her movements. Differences of moving on land and in water: learning and feeling, playful curiosity.
4. Courage: As she got more comfortable over a period of months, she was able to get in the water without me. It took great courage the first time she went to the pool without me. She told the lifeguard to watch out for her in case she got into trouble. She was afraid and yet she knew she was now safe enough to take that next step.
5. Persistence: As time went on, Fran found other teachers. Many were able to help her progress in different ways. Some didn’t work out.
6. Confidence: She developed the confidence to keep going and the knowing that she could learn to swim – despite setbacks.
7. Repeat: Along the way there were other fear hurdles to overcome. Other things to do to feel safe, get curious, and courageous steps to take.

What would you like to be able to do? Who can help you get started – safely?

Taking it Farther

• We respond in different ways to fear:

  • Try to ignore it – may be at our own peril
  • Fight: get angry (hiding fear behind anger is very common)
  • Flight: run away from it, avoid it
  • Freeze: paralyzed with fear; fading into the woodwork; being a wall flower; being invisible; lack of action; procrastination; indecisiveness

What’s your preferred way of dealing with fear?

• Realize that fear has kept you safe from real or perceived harm. Fear is your friend.
Learn about fear. One of the books I recommend: “The Gift of Fear”.

• Get very clear on something you really want. Going beyond fear, shifting from fear to curiosity, are “muscles” that take time to develop. Start with something small or something you have a deep desire to achieve. Having a deep desire will help you through the times when you want to give up.

• Whatever you want to achieve, do it with someone, get support from someone who cares deeply about you and wants you to succeed.

There are also the seemingly “irrational fears”. — There is so much more I could share with you.

Contact me

Want more help? I’m here for you. Tired of holding yourself back? Get support. Call to get yourself into a coaching program. Have questions? Call to get answers. Edith at 847.913.3900

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